My husband and I were having a conversation today. Let me correct that--we were TRYING to have a conversation today. Most of my contribution was, 'What?" and, "Honey, you've got to speak up, I can't hear you!"
You see, I'm hard of hearing. I have been since birth. Coping was always okay, sort of, because I depended on my parents for my life. Although there was a lot of frustration from me and my folks, at least I knew I had a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and clothes on my back.
Doc has said that my hearing would decline even more over the years. I didn't realize that time would be so soon, though. I find myself growing anxious over the future. What future is there for a hard of hearing woman, who doesn't have any skills that doesn't require hearing?
This is where the rubber meets the road. Before this, I could talk a good talk about having my dependency on God. Did I, though? Or was my dependency in my ability and my husband's ability to make a paycheck? I scanned the internet for stories of deaf/hard of hearing people getting jobs. Most of what I found were the deaf/hard of hearing sharing their horror stories of being discriminated against. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I think my 'dependency on God" might've been not true. As long as I had some thread of hope to hold on to--and the hope was in my local connections, my ability; my, my, my something, I could claim to not be anxious, and claim a trust in God, like any good little Christian should.
But what about now? What about the fact that soon I might have to give up teaching in a public school, because I'm not what the students need? The students need to know that their teacher will hear them gasping for breath when an asthma attack breaks out. Their teacher will need to hear when the class bully is secretly terrorizing the timid child that rarely speaks. So, any administration in their right mind would let me go. I wouldn't blame them.
So, do I really trust God, now? Now that I don't have any secret contacts to draw from--I have totally exhausted all of my human strengths... now do I trust God? What about you? Have you ever been on your last leg, no thread of hope anywhere, and have had no choice but to depend on God? Jesus walked step by step in dependency. He had no earthly job, although as a young boy we infer that he helped Joseph with carpentry. His very food he ate, the shoes on his feet, the place to bed down for the night--he depended on God for every bit of His livelihood. Can I? Can you?
That's one of the many wonderful things about God. He knows our faith falters--some more than others (mine!), but that doesn't worry Him. As God, He is able to grow us as we need growing, and He teaches us through concrete lessons, that He DOES care about our every being, no matter what. Our earth suits will continue to dry up and shrivel away due to illnesses, age or accident; but our spirits belong to God. In the end, we'll know that everything was worth it.
What are you going through? Are you having a 'rubber meets the road' type situation facing you, now? Has God showed you in times past that He indeed can be trusted? Do you know for sure that He loves you, no matter what? God has a habit of showing us little things to remind us of His love for us.
He loves you :-)
Blessings
Lisa
